Understanding Internalized Oppression and Shame: The Weight You Were Never Meant to Carry
As a marriage and family therapist working with BIPOC, newcomer, and first-generation clients, I often hear phrases like:
“I feel like I don’t belong in either world.”
“I second-guess myself all the time.”
“I shrink to keep the peace.”
“I don’t know how to take up space without guilt.”
These statements are not about self-esteem. They’re the voice of internalized oppression and shame, two experiences that live deep in the body and identity of people who’ve had to navigate systems not built for them.
If any part of this feels familiar, you’re not broken. You’re carrying messages that were never yours to begin with.
What Is Internalized Oppression?
Internalized oppression happens when people from marginalized groups start to believe and embody the negative messages society has taught them about who they are. These beliefs can be about race, language, body size, gender, accent, class, or immigration status. Over time, the oppression we experience externally becomes part of how we see ourselves.
You might notice this in your own life if you’ve:
Apologized for being too “emotional,” “loud,” or “different.”
Changed how you speak, dress, or show up in professional spaces
Hesitated to advocate for yourself or others out of fear of being “too much”
Felt guilt or discomfort receiving praise or taking up space
Pushed yourself to overachieve as proof of your worth
These are not personality flaws. They are survival strategies learned in systems that reward assimilation and punish authenticity.
What Does Shame Have to Do with It?
Shame is the emotional glue that holds internalized oppression in place. Unlike guilt, which says “I did something bad,” shame says, “I am bad.”
When you’ve been told directly or indirectly that your culture is inferior, your language is a barrier, or your identity is inconvenient, shame becomes a quiet, constant companion. It can show up as:
People-pleasing
Hyper-independence
Imposter syndrome
Fear of visibility
Avoidance of conflict or self-advocacy
Shame convinces you that if you just work harder, blend in better, or stay quiet, you may finally feel enough. But enoughness doesn’t come from erasing yourself.
Where Do These Messages Come From?
Think about the early messages you received:
“Speak English.”
“Don’t act too Mexican/Black/Asian/etc.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“That’s not professional.”
“You’re lucky even to be here.”
Often these messages come from school, church, media, government systems, and yes, sometimes even our own families, who may have internalized them, too. You may have learned to shrink to stay safe, to achieve to feel worthy, or to stay silent to avoid judgment. And while those strategies helped you survive, they can keep you from healing.
You Can Learn to Put the Weight Down
Therapy offers a space to name, unlearn, and release the lies you’ve absorbed. Together, we can explore:
How has oppression shaped your identity and relationships
How shame shows up in your daily life
What does authenticity feel like in your body
What boundaries sound like in your voice
How to live without apologizing for existing
This is not about “fixing” you. This is about returning to yourself. You no longer have to carry the weight of other people’s discomfort.
Do You Recognize Yourself Here?
Maybe you’ve always felt like the “strong one,” the “quiet one,” or the “successful one,” but inside, you feel tired, lonely, or unseen. Maybe you’ve spent your life proving your worth and are ready to believe it instead.
You deserve to feel safe in your skin. You deserve to unlearn shame. You deserve healing. If this blog stirred something in you, let’s talk. You don’t have to unpack this alone. Book your session today. Let’s begin the work of remembering who you are beneath the shame.