As a marriage and family therapist working with migrant, newcomer, and first-generation families, I often hear a familiar pain in the therapy room: "We just don't understand each other anymore." This gap usually exists between generations, parents who carry the culture of home and children growing up in a new land, speaking a new language, and navigating a different world. This gap is not just about language or customs. It's about identity, belonging, and the deep longing to stay connected across generations.

What Are Intergenerational Cultural Gaps?

Examples I often hear include:

• Parents want to uphold traditional discipline, while children expect negotiation and choice.

• Young adults want to date or choose careers outside the family’s cultural expectations.

• Children feel embarrassed translating for parents at school, work, or doctors' offices.

These gaps can cause misunderstandings, conflict, and sometimes silence as these families move through life.

Why Do These Gaps Hurt?

Fear and love are at the core of these conflicts. Parents frequently worry their kids will be lost to a culture they don't completely comprehend. They might say something like, "Remember your origins," or " Remember your identity." Youngsters equally frequently worry about disappointing their parents. They can struggle to balance following their own goals with honoring their family.

This tension can lead to:

• Frequent arguments

• Emotional distance

• Feeling "never enough" in either culture

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy offers families a space to slow down, listen, and make meaning of these gaps.

Here's how we work together:

• Building understanding: Parents and children share their experiences, often hearing each other's stories properly for the first time.

• Exploring cultural values: We unpack what matters most: respect, freedom, education, and family, and how these show up differently across generations.

• Strengthening communication: We practice skills for expressing needs without blame and listening without judgment.

• Honoring both worlds: We help families integrate the richness of two cultures, creating new traditions and meanings.

Example: 

I worked with a family whose teenage daughter was born in the United States after her parents immigrated from Mexico. The parents wanted the daughter to stay home and assist with household duties, but the daughter wanted to leave for college. In therapy, they investigated their fears and hopes. The parents discussed the sacrifices they made in hope of a brighter future.  Her daughter shared her desire to honor them and pursue her vocation. They worked together to find a way for her to attend college, make frequent visits, and maintain ties to family customs.

Your Story Matters

If you are part of a migrant or first-generation family, you may carry these struggles quietly.

You might ask yourself: Why do we keep having the same arguments? How can I be true to myself without hurting my family? Will we ever understand each other?

You are not alone. Therapy provides a safe venue to consider these issues while honoring your cultural background. You may learn to weave different worlds together in ways that will make your family stronger, rather than having to choose between them.

I invite you to reach out if you or your family are navigating intergenerational cultural gaps. Together, we can honor your story and help your family find connection and understanding across generations.

When Love Meets Difference: Trauma in Multicultural Relationships >