Did You Say What You Needed to Say? A Therapist's Reflection on Communication
Communication is the goal from when we are born to when we take our last breath. As a marriage and family therapist, I often hear clients say, "We just need to improve our communication." But what does that mean for you? Have you ever paused to reflect on what communication means in your life, not just the words but the entire world of messages you send and receive daily?
Beyond Words: The Many Languages of Communication
We often assume we're naturally good at communication. After all, you've been communicating since infancy — crying when hungry, smiling when content, and seeking comfort when scared. Over time, you adapted to the many spaces you inhabit: home, school, friendships, romantic relationships, and work.
But communication is far more complex than just exchanging words.
We communicate through words, music, dance, poetry, food, play, fashion, and silence.
We carry internal histories, perceptions of self and others, unspoken needs, different degrees of comfort with various emotions, and different interpretations of behavior.
We are shaped by family culture, generational stories, secrets, gender roles, permissions, and our life's journey.
The Messages We Inherit
Think about your own experience. What was your early communication template? What was familiar in your family? Were feelings openly expressed or silently carried? Did you grow up learning to avoid conflict, or was conflict the only form of expression? Many couples and families walk into therapy letting me know, "We know we need to talk, but we're afraid. We don't want to hurt each other, and we don't want to open old wounds. So here we are, trusting you can help us with the things we can't say out loud."
Therapy becomes a space for unpacking, exploring, and reshaping communication.
What was allowed to be spoken in your family?
What remained unspoken or became a secret?
Can you name your truth today?
Do you have space in your current relationships to express your needs, desires, fears, and joys?
If not, where can you create or find that space?
"Why is communication so difficult for me?" is a question you may be asking yourself. Communication is a multifaceted, relational process impacted by culture, upbringing, and life experiences. For instance, you may have grown up in a household where showing emotion was viewed as a weakness or where sarcasm, door slamming, or silence were ways to vent rage. You carry these templates into adulthood, often without realizing it. Therapy invites you to ask, "Do these patterns still serve me? Or am I ready to rewrite them?"
New Patterns: Rewriting the Way We Connect
In my therapy room, I have seen countless clients experience breakthroughs when they understand that communication is more than just "talking better." It's about:
Becoming aware of emotional triggers and responses
Learning to identify and express needs clearly
Practicing deep listening without preparing your defense
Exploring cultural and intergenerational patterns that shape communication
Building a support system where your voice can be heard
For couples, this might mean learning to say, "I feel lonely when you're on your phone at dinner," instead of, "You never pay attention to me." For families, it may look like creating rituals of connection, such as weekly check-ins or shared meals where everyone has a voice.
Therapy as Untangling the Knots of Communication
When you reflect on your own life, ask yourself:
What am I trying to do differently?
What feels hard about speaking my truth?
Who are the people I feel seen, heard, and safe with?
Therapy offers a space to untangle the knots of communication gently. It's not about perfect conversations or eliminating all conflict. It's about cultivating relationships where you can say what you need to say and be received with curiosity, compassion, and respect. If you've been longing for better communication but don't know where to start, therapy can offer you the tools, the space, and the support to begin.
How would it feel to permit yourself to speak and be truly heard?