Grieving Interrupted Milestones: A Hidden Pain in Migrant and First-Generation Families
As a marriage and family therapist working with migrants, newcomers, and first-generation families, I often sit with clients carrying a grief that has no name. It’s the grief of missing family life’s biggest moments: graduations, weddings, and funerals. These milestones mark not just time but love, belonging, and connection. For many migrant and first-generation families, these events are watched through phone screens, delayed indefinitely, or missed entirely. And the pain often hides in silence.
When Milestones Are Out of Reach
When families leave their country of origin, they rarely imagine the price they will pay in missed moments. They leave to build a better life, seek safety, or pursue dreams. But along the way, they miss:
A father’s funeral they couldn’t attend because of travel restrictions
A sibling’s wedding seen on a blurry video call
A child’s graduation, where a parent worked a double shift and arrived after the ceremony
These moments are not just events. They hold deep emotional meaning and cultural importance. For many, missing them creates feelings of guilt or failure, disconnection from family and cultural traditions, and a sense of “not belonging” in the old or new world.
Grief Under the Surface: Why the Losses Go Unspoken
One reason this grief stays hidden is survival. Migrant families often focus on the immediacy of working hard, learning a new language, adjusting to new systems, and holding the family together. Many clients have told me:
“There was no time to grieve. We had to keep going.”
“I couldn’t tell my parents how sad I was to miss my cousin’s wedding.”
“I didn’t want to make it harder for my family, so I kept it to myself.”
This silence is often carried across generations. Children may feel they can’t complain because they see their parents’ sacrifices, and parents may believe they need to stay strong to protect their children. Yet grief doesn’t go away when ignored. It settles in the body as sadness, anger, or even numbness.
Creating New Rituals to Honor What Was Lost
Therapy provides a space to make sense of this grief, to name it, and to honor it. Here’s what we could explore together:
Making space for grief: We acknowledge the sadness of missed milestones rather than minimizing it.
Creating symbolic goodbyes: Clients may write letters, light candles, or gather photos to honor loved ones and events.
Sharing stories across generations: Families can come together to tell stories, laugh, cry, and reconnect over what was lost.
Building new traditions: We explore how families can create rituals that honor the past and the present.
For example, I worked with a family who missed their grandfather’s funeral in their home country. They created a small ceremony at home in therapy, sharing memories and lighting a candle in his honor. This helped the family feel connected and brought healing to an unspoken pain.
Honoring Your Grief: The Path to Healing
If you’re reading this, ask yourself:
What milestones have I missed that still live inside me?
How has this affected my sense of connection to family or culture?
What might it feel like to honor that grief now?
You may find that just asking these questions opens the door to healing.
Migrant and first-generation families are often praised for their resilience. But resilience is not the absence of grief. It’s the ability to carry grief with support, meaning, and care. Therapy offers a space to honor what was lost, repair connections, and create a path forward that respects your story. If you or your family are struggling with the pain of interrupted milestones, I invite you to take the next step.
Reach out today to schedule a consultation. Let’s discuss how we can honor your grief, strengthen your connections, and begin your healing journey together. You don’t have to carry this pain alone. Support is here, and your story matters.